Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
