My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
