and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
