6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
