i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize