i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
