I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I need a hoe opinion
go on
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
