in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Can you bring me the toilet please
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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