Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
