An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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