I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i was born a porn star she said
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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