I wish life had little blips of pornography
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
