Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
