All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
and she was petting her beer can
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
