How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
