There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
