How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
