they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
