I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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