I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
