I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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