I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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