I wanna passion pit in your ass
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
