Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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