So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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