If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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