i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
