this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
