my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
