She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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