Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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