i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
