I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
