my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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