So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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