Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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