We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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