He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
