update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
why is half of my head shaved?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
