you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
