he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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