Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
