Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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