Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize