I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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