I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
