so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
