theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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