just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
