the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
