I hate your face
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
