Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
