for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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