I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
