My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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