Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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