He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
